There are moments in my "mom-ness" when all I want is to be alone- not touched, spoken to, or thought of by anyone. And there are moments that are quite the opposite- when I long to hold my girls close and soak in their smell and their mess and their sweetness.
Today (and most days) I experienced both of those sentiments in their fullest form in ten minutes flat.
Keeping Evie distracted while I nurse Mara is usually a cinch. I'll give her a snack, let her play a game on the I-pad for a few minutes, or just let her play quietly. This morning, she decided she wanted to color- so I let her. I handed her an orange and pink crayon and her kitty coloring book and she entertained herself while I fed Mara.
But about five minutes in, E scooted her chair next to mine, and just sat there. It was obvious she only wanted to be close to Mara and I. After a few moments, she looked up at me and asked me to sing. Which, if you know Evie, never happens. She usually associates me singing with bedtime, so I'm only allowed to sing if we're rocking in her room in the last minutes before sleep.
Today though, she scooted close and asked me to sing "Jesus" to her. Of course, she meant "Jesus Loves Me", one of the probably four songs I always sing to her on rotation. Then, as I finished up nursing and kept singing, Evie asked to snuggle with Mara in my chair.
Evie, in her big sisterly way, loves to hold Mara. Despite the fact that Mara is more than half her size, she loves to feel like she's helping- and so I let her. I put Mara in the chair with Evie and continued to sing "little ones to Him belong, they are weak but he is strong".
All the while, their eyes- and they both have big, bright eyes that will pierce you, Evie's blue and Mara's brown- staring right into mine.
You know that feeling when your heart smiles? When you can feel it in your face, throat and chest and you don't know whether to cry or laugh? As Evie held Mara, snuggling onto her shoulder with her little arm wrapped around M's little tummy, I couldn't help but feel like the luckiest mama in the world.
Who am I to get to raise these tiny, gorgeous girls with an entire world of beauty inside them? I don't think I could love them any deeper than in that moment. And really, it wasn't anything special- just me singing them a song, but I think I'll remember it forever.
And then, as the song came to a close- or maybe in the middle of it, I can't remember- one of them got restless, as kids do. Short attention spans are as common as spilled drinks and diaper changes. And the moment was over.
I went into the kitchen to make E a snack and proceeded to break open a bottle of my husband's home brewed beer. All over the floor, my white shirt, my jeans, and the fridge.
And in my beer covered clothes, and a house that smelled like a bar for the rest of the afternoon, I couldn't help but laugh at what a perfect picture of motherhood that 10 minute exchange was.
There are absolutely beautiful moments, interweaved with chaos and mess. But that's motherhood and these are the moments I live for- beer covered or otherwise.